[ROLLING SKATEBOARD]
[FOOTSTEPS, BREATHING]
[MUSIC]
There are so many things in life that I have control over.
What music I listen to.
How fast I drive.
What dress I wear.
[MUSIC]
I can walk down the street and control who I choose to look at,
who I find attractive, or who I talk to.
[MUSIC]
But what can't be controlled is love.
Who I fall in love with, who falls in love with me...
Or if anyone falls in love with me.
[MUSIC]
Every person that I pass on the street could be the one,
the one that will sweep me off my feet.
And every person that passes
takes with them a missed opportunity,
and the happiness that only love brings.
[MUSIC]
The only true happiness is found in something
that I can't control.
Love.
The irony kind of pisses me off.
[MUSIC]
Not bad.
Not great...
But not bad.
[MUSIC]
That's better.
However, that all changed when I met the man of my dreams..
Norman.
[CAR HONK, TRAFFIC PASSING]
It's simply not possible,
There's not a commercial space in this city
that's over twenty years old that doesn't have
some sort of code violation.
Tell the inspector we'll pay cash.
That's called bribery.
Is that a felony or just a simple misdemeanor?
Every code in the city is cash driven!
Tell him to put it in escrow or we're moving on.
Mr. Molino has made it perfectly clear he's not in love
with the asking until he gets an independent inspection.
He wants to shave thirty percent off.
Tell him we'll cut him in on the Ross-Feinman deal
and then we'll see what he has to say
about the codes.
How are you in on Ross-Feinman?
Wants to know what time you're picking her up for dinner.
And don't say you forgot.
I confirmed your reservations with you yesterday.
I didn't forget about Dori, I forgot about Cara.
I'm supposed to go to some bullshit art opening
with her tonight.
Cara's still in the picture?
Yeah. It's complicated.
Can you tell Dori, I'm in a meeting-
That only works so many times.
And how many times have I used it?
'So many.' She's on line three.
I'm sorry about this gentlemen.
I've got to take this call.
Hello?
Are you ready for tonight?
Dori. Hi.
Uh, oh. Something's amiss.
I can tell by your voice.
There's nothing going on.
You're flaking on me again.
No, no, no... Of course not.
Well, yeah. I sort of am.
There's a big deal closing and I'm not sure
what time I'm getting outta here.
How about we just do a mellow dinner?
Get take out.
And if you need to take a call, then fine,
you need to take a call.
It'd be nice to see you, that's all.
I really want to see you too.
Really?
Of course.
Listen, I have to go.
Tell you what. I officially owe you one.
I'll call you in a few days
and we can get together then, alright?
Okay.
See you soon.
It's a little dicey around four-thirty, you know?
You figure out the whole Dori thing?
What? What?
How long have you been with her?
Two months?
first of all, I am not with anyone.
However, Dori and I have been passing time
for the last four weeks.
Oh that's nice.
And how long have you been 'passing time' with Cara?
Cara and I broke up eons ago.
Oh, right, I forgot.
You're just screwing Cara to her to help her get over you?
Why are you busting my balls?
Norman...
You have to start thinking like a big boy.
Look... Dori's happy.
Cara's happy. I'm happy.
You're the only one that's not happy.
Come on... Feel 'the happy', man.
I'm just saying...
Dori, hi.
Another complication.
I'm sorry for bugging you.
I was just thinking that maybe,
after your deal closes, that you might want to-
if you're not too tired, maybe you'd want to come over
and celebrate?
I'll wear that little red thing that you like so much.
I think I may have tweaked my hip flexor.
Well, I'll just have to be on top next time.
Finding you has been...
such a relief.
Too much wine.
What is it that you always say?
The more drunk I get the better looking you get?
That's it.
I certainly don't need to be drunk.
You could use a couple of shots though.
Come on, Dori. Don't sell yourself short.
You're beautiful.
Do you really mean that?
Of course.
Look into my eyes and tell me I'm beautiful.
You guys are both beautiful.
What am I going to do with you?
Let's go away up north. Just you and me.
My Grandpa Ed has a place in the mountains.
He never uses it.
I wish I could, but I can't.
Oh... Come on. It'll be fun.
It's in the middle of nowhere.
It'll be a great escape from all the hustle and bustle.
I'd never be able to take the time off work.
You own the company.
You can take all the time off you want.
It sounds really good.
But I have two deals closing this weekend.
Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
I'm asking you nicely.
Would you please come away up North with me?
Maybe we should take a little time to think about this?
Please?
Please, please, pretty please?
with Dori on top?
Wow!
Please?
Romeo?
You know you can't go away for a week with her.
It's not a week. It's a long weekend.
You really drink that stuff?
You can't really be this naive.
What?
Dori thinks she's your girlfriend.
I guarantee that she's telling all her gal pals
about how her great new boyfriend is so special
and she maybe has found Mr. Right
Dori's not like that.
She's well travelled.
International.
I've never said anything to indicate that
this relationship is serious.
You said you'd go away with her.
That's saying it.
Seriously? There is a coffee maker over there.
We don't have soy.
Look. Some people like to lease cars
and some people like to buy them.
And my lease with Dori is up in a few weeks.
I wash my hands clean of all this.
Oh shit, I forgot to call Cara.
Are those really real?
So now do you think I should give up like you did?
I didn't think so.
Hey... I'm a happily married man.
Really?
Are you really happily married?
Because I have never met a happily married couple.
My folks being at the top of that list.
Cara!
Hi!
You did?
That is so funny.
You're wrong.
about the coffee.
[CAR ENGINE ROARS]
[MUSIC]
God I just love this song.
It's so romantic. Don't you think?
My heart is floating.
I'm surprised such an expensive car
doesn't have one of these things built into it.
It's not a car. It's a Porsche.
That is so typical of a man.
What is?
Drooling over a car.
Sorry. Sorry.
-A Porsche. -Thank you.
I'm reading this book
called 'The Twelve Steps to a Happy New Year.'
Of course you are.
What?
He's a really smart guy.
Dr. Fisher says that 'Men have a more difficult time
expressing their emotions than women do.'
You mean we don't cry all the time.
I can try and make you cry if you want?
So rather than expressing their emotions to a person,
they'll express them to something else.
A sports team, a stereo...
A car...
Something that can't respond back.
So it's a woman's responsibility in a relationship
to show the man how to get in touch with his emotions.
Dr. Fisher calls it "Guerrilla Training."
It's a really good book.
Okay.
Norman, relax.
You have nothing to worry about with me.
So do you want to listen to our song one more time?
Knock yourself out.
Come on. Hurry.
Hey?
Wait up.
You gotta see this.
See what?
Shh.
Isn't it beautiful?
Look at it.
Yeah.
When I was little I used to
imagine that...
all my fears were in the belly of the sun
and when the sun would finally go down,
my fears would go down with it.
Do you know what I was afraid of?
No.
Being alone.
I love this place.
I used to come here for the summer
with my Grandpa Ed.
He has a soft serve ice cream machine out in back
and we would sit on the front porch
and eat ice cream cones all day.
What's your flavor?
Ohh, I don't know.
Mint chip, maybe.
You don't look like a mint chipper.
What am I then?
You're more of a Pralines and Cream type person.
Pralines and Cream...
I think they're sexy.
It's not bad.
Rub your fingers through my hair.
That feels good.
Do you know what today is?
Friday.
Funny.
It's our anniversary.
Our anniversary?
It was two months ago today that you hired me.
And as I recall, just three days later that you...
...fired me.
And fire you I did. Twice.
You violated some federal labor law I think.
I think I violated more than that.
Two whole months!
You know, 'The Twelve Steps to a Happy New Year'...
It says that if you can make it through all of the holidays
with someone you've found your mate.
Really?
Yup.
And if you can survive New Year's Eve
then that says it all.
That Dr. Fisher. I tell ya.
We've only got Groundhog Day under our belt.
President's Day, too, I think.
That doesn't really count, though.
Father's Day is coming up.
Ooh, it's been a long, long day.
We should hit the-
It's late. We should?
How do you feel?
I feel?
a little bloated from the pasta...
I'm not really an Alfredo guy.
No. I mean about me? About us?
You feel our connection, right?
You know, it's hard for me to think that I'd be here
if we didn't have some sort of connection.
Yeah. Some feeling, somewhere. Right?
I mean, we have fun together and you make me laugh.
Make you laugh?
Yeah. You make me laugh.
Is that so wrong? Is that so bad?
Make you laugh how?
I dunno. Like 'Hardy har har.'
Well then laugh it up, Mr. Backer! Laugh it up!
I'll show you who's the funny one around here.
Who's laughing now, huh?
What's so funny now?
I'll teach you to mess with me.
Guerrilla training my ass!
I am Kong.
I love you.
I can't believe I just said that.
But I do. I said it.
I love you! I love you!
I love you, Norman.
You're not going to say it back?
We've had a lot to drink.
Ah come on, where are you going?
I shouldn't have said it!
I'm such an idiot!
Listen, you're over reacting.
It's no big deal that you said that.
No big deal?
A woman tells you that she loves you
and you say it's "no big deal"?
Listen, I'm just saying I'm alright with you saying it.
I'm okay that you said it.
So you're okay that I love you?
If you're okay with it and just having a hard time
telling me, that's okay.
I can help you.
I want you to look deep within yourself when I ask you this.
Okay?
Do you love me?
Come on...
Oh my God! What is my problem?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Why?! You know what?
Forget what I said about loving you.
Forget it!
- Where are you going? - I'm going to bed!
Dori, let's not get all crazy, alright?
Your bedroom is upstairs, down the hall!
The sheets are in the wash! Happy anniversary, asshole!
Holy fucking shit.
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.
Did you sleep okay?
Yeah, I suppose. Considering.
Sorry, you won't find any reception way out here.
Have a seat. Breakfast is almost ready.
What kind of juice do you like? Apple or orange?
Whichever is fine.
Orange it is.
Uh oh... are you still upset about last night?
Yeah. I'd rather just forget about it.
It never happened.
Oh, we need to talk about it.
It was our first argument and how we handle it
will set the foundation for our relationship.
It's critical we deal with this carefully.
Now, I think we can both agree that alcohol
played a big roll in our actions.
However, I, for one, am not going to use
that as an excuse.
Albert! Play nicely with Dolly!
So, with that said, Norman,
I am really sorry for what happened last night.
That felt better.
How about you?
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
Dori, what's the deal with the kids?
My eggs! I hope you're hungry.
I've fixed my world famous Denver omelette.
To be honest, it's not really mine.
It's my Grandpa Ed's...
It's a secret family recipe.
Oh, what the hell, I can tell you.
I use Canadian bacon instead of ham.
Albert!
Stop riling up your sister.
You know she's got asthma!
I find Canadian bacon holds its flavor better than ham.
Here. Take a bite.
I'm anxious to see what you think.
This is not really the weekend I had in mind.
Let's not forget our manners, Norman.
Those kids... They don't have a father.
I figured it would be nice to bring them up here
so they can enjoy the place.
That's very charitable of you,
but did you have to pick this weekend?
- You've got a little something - - Jesus, Dori. Listen.
I gave up a lot to be here.
The least you could do is tell me we'd be babysitting
someone's kids.
Hey Mom, when's breakfast?
It's ready. Go wash up.
Aren't they adorable?
Mommy! Albert is playing with his food.
Shut up!
Mommy! Albert said a bad word.
"Shut" is not a bad word. 'Shit' is.
Albert, what did I say about your language?
Now both of you eat your breakfast.
Hi. I'm Albert.
Norman.
Nice to finally meet you.
How are you with percentages?
What?
Do you know your percentages?
I'm doing them in school right now.
Yeah, I know my percentages.
Do you know them,
know them as in 'real world' application know them?
Be nice, Albert.
Mom! I've got a boatload of homework.
If this guy's shaky on his percentages then I gotta know.
I told you that I know my percentages.
What more do you want?
Are you done with your Denver omelette?
Sure.
Isn't Dolly a good girl?
The best.
You know, Mom, this isn't really a Denver omelets
because you're not using ham.
I am using ham, just not American ham.
I'm using Canadian ham.
Where's Canada?
North.
Like by the North Pole? Next to Santa Claus?
Yeah, sure. Right up next to Old St. Nick.
Oh, thank you for reminding me.
Dude. You're lying.
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about?
Santa Claus...
What's wrong with Santa Claus?
Norman!
I didn't say anything.
Jesus god?
Why don't you two go outside and play?
Can we give Norman his surprises first?
Oh, I suppose we can.
I'll get the balloon and the presents.
I'm gonna get my special card.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Valentine's Day, Dori?
I know, I know.
A holiday created by Madison Avenue.
But I can't help myself.
I'm a hopeless romantic.
Don't worry if you forgot.
You wanna go give Norman his card?
I made this for you in class.
And I made this for you with the help of American Express.
I wanna open it! No! I wanna open it!
Careful. Careful.
Ooo, pretty.
Look Albert, a sparkly bear!
It goes right over here.
And I know what you're thinking...
That it's June.
But all the men are wearing these things too now.
They're all the rage.
It's okay. You can go outside and play now.
Finally. This guy is so boring.
So, what do you think?
I uh... wow! So many questions.
What? You don't like the kids?
So many questions.
I know you might think this is crazy.
And maybe I went about introducing them
the wrong way, but...
Those are my kids, and they are part of me.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner
but I was just afraid of how you'd react.
Aww, come on. Look at us.
A young couple, nice house, a couple of kids,
just one thing missing...
I got you. You should've seen your face! Priceless.
Boy, you are a nut! A bona fide nut!
So you'll stay?
Dori. You can't expect me to get excited about -
excited...
The kids go to bed early.
They do?
Yes. They do.
How early?
Real early.
Real early?
Real, real, real early.
Dori?
Yes?
How did the kids get here?
So this is Grandpa Ed and Grandma Edna
Dori says you sell houses.
That's nice.
A realtor? What is that?
A six weeks of school before they give you
a crappy red jacket?
I have a B.S. in finance.
B.S. is right.
Norman buys homes whose loans have been defaulted on
then he renovates before reselling.
It's very profitable.
What do you do with the family that's defaulted?
Um? What?
I mean what do you with the families
that no longer have a home?
Yeah. What do you do with them?
Um, well, that's not really my responsibility.
Making someone homeless isn't your responsibility?
Well it doesn't exactly work that way.
If you don't have a home you're homeless.
How exactly is it supposed to work?
You know, Norman, you should really think about trying
to find these families homes.
Noted.
So what are your intentions?
Come again?
Your game plan, son.
What the hell's your game plan when it comes to Dori?
Um, to be honest
we're not really technically boyfriend and...
We just celebrated our two month anniversary.
Oh! Congratulations!
Anniversaries are such a hoot.
So you both are intimate with each another already.
That's always fun.
Grandma!
Dr. Fisher says that a robust sex life
can lead to a long and loving relationship.
And he wasn't just talking about heavy petting, neither.
He was talking about actual penetration
and a whole lot of it.
Ed penetrates me all the time.
What the hell were you thinking?
[DOOR SLAMS] What I was thinking was that it would be nice
for you to meet the family.
I didn't even know you had a family until ten minutes ago.
Everybody has a family. Jesus Christ, Dori.
A relationship is a give and take proposition.
You can't just have sex from a woman
and expect to give something in return.
What on earth are you talking about?
You know very well Albert is struggling with percentages.
He could use your help.
Oh, you need my math skills?
Listen! Dori, you're a lovely girl.
And I'm sure you're going to make someone very happy one day.
But man o' man, you need some fucking
big time professional help.
That song? It's about a stalker.
And Pralines and Cream? It's disgusting.
So have a nice day, an even better life.
I'll see you on the other side.
What the?
What happened to my steering wheel?
What?
What the fuck happened to my steering wheel?
Your language, Norman.
Where's my fucking steering wheel!
Oh boy. We have some degenerate teenagers in town-
You sawed off my steering wheel!
Are you accusing me of stealing?
I'm accusing you of being out of your mind!
You know how much this is going to cost me?
I'll go find Grandpa, see if he can give you a ride into town.
There's a general store there.
A general store?
This is a fucking Porsche not a stage coach!
They have lots of stuff.
You'd be surprised.
'Keep it together. Where's my phone.
Fuck! My phone's inside'
Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Come on?
Okay Andrew, pick up.
Pick up Andrew. Pick up.
Hola, que tal?
Oh thank God.
This chick is out of her gourd.
Mom?
Is that you?
Stop fucking around.
It sounds like you're in a well
More like another planet. Listen..
Dori. She's a complete whack job.
Oh, Dori, right. How's that going?
Uh. Well, she's crazy, man.
Are we talking "takes it in the two-hole" crazy?
Skye, not too far.
Or "brings a friend into bed" crazy?
More like sawing off my steering wheels crazy.
Nah. Can't hear you.
Dori thinks today is Valentine's Day.
Did you say she thinks today is 'Valentine's Day'?
Yeah. She's got hearts all over the house.
It's June.
That's what I said.
Karma's a bitch
don't say that word, honey.
Yeah, you know what? Your sympathy is heart-warming.
Well what do you want to hear?
You leave me with all the work.
That's not a very kind thing to do.
Oh my god?
Dude, this shit is getting weirder by the minute.
You gotta get yourself up here.
Eh. Back in the well. Can't hear ya.
Get yourself up here!
Well where's up here?
Who are you talking to?
Just checking my voicemail on speaker.
And I can see how a lot of men can feel...
Well... Cramped,
or even trapped, in a relationship.
I don't blame them.
Some girls, my God, they expect their boyfriends
to give up everything to be with them.
Not me.
I understand the need for Saturday night poker
with the guys.
"Don't smother your man", that's what I always say.
Just let me love you, Norman.
Let us love you.
Is that so hard?
Ouch!
That looks like it hurt.
Are you okay?
What the fuck is going on here?
It's Easter!
Don't use that language in front of the kids.
Fuck you and your kids! Untie my hands.
Kids, leave the room.
I wanna watch.
Let's go wake up Grandpa up and find some Easter eggs!
You're getting yourself into big trouble.
You've gone too far, Dori.
I'm calling the cops.
What are you doing?
Do you know how hard it is for a woman
with two kids to meet a decent guy,
let alone have him fall in love with her?
Try E-fucking-Harmony.
When a guy first meets a girl
he's all, 'You're so beautiful, la, la, la.'
Then the girl gets excited and thinks,
'He might be the one, la, la, la.'
Then she lets her guard down, invites him in,
cooks for him, cleans for him,
swallows for him, la, la, la.
Then he sees the kids and POOF!
He's gone.
La. La. La.
You never even told me you had kids.
Had I told you then you would have never said 'yes'
to coming up here, right?
That's what I thought.
See, the problem with men is that they tend to react more
to the situation rather than the person.
You should fall in love with the person regardless
of the situation.
Now, you might be asking yourself,
'How do I get to know someone?'
Good question.
That's where Dr. Fisher comes in.
In 'The Twelve Steps to a Happy New Year' he says that...
'Different holidays naturally
evoke different emotions in people.
It's important to experience all of those emotions
in order to really get to know someone.'
Now obviously you're not a big fan of Valentine's Day...
But what's not to love about Easter?
Enough is enough!
This is insane!
Is he ready? Can we come in?
Okay kids. It's time.
Oh yeah?
There's one!
Here's an orange one!
I found it!
No wait. It's mine!
Hey kids, no fighting on Easter. Alright?
How's he doing?
Needless to say, the honeymoon's over.
And now the real work begins.
You people need major fucking help!
Your language, Norman...
My language, Dori? Blow me!
Mom!
Grandpa never asked if he could use my bat.
Now I'm sure Grandpa didn't mean
to take it without your permission.
I certainly did not.
And I'm sorry.
Oh my goodness. I almost forgot my pie.
I see snow on the table, Grandma.
Whoops!
Thank you for reminding me about my manners, dear.
You're welcome.
Dori, what did you do differently with this chicken?
I changed the marinade.
I used lemon and garlic this time.
Oh. It's simply wonderful.
How do you like it, Norman?
So many times I would try to do something fancy
and I would ruin the taste of the meat.
I've tasted something like this before.
But I can't remember when.
It was Jackie's seventy eighth birthday party.
That's right.
The village threw a party and it was catered.
Chirpin Chicken!
Oh, Ed. Don't be a putz.
Chirpin Chicken!?
Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?
It's organic.
No dinner. No desert.
That's right. No dinner, no dessert.
Was it Rhonda's Rotisserie?
I don't think so.
Mommy, he stuck his tongue out at me!
Now, would you please have a little something to eat.
How can I be expected to eat if I can't use my hands?
Albert can feed you.
Yeah. Open up.
Come on. Open up!
I wanna feed him!
No! I get to! Mom!
Mom!
Hey, hey - kids!
I know! It was Conrad's Crispy Catered Chicken.
Conrad died in ninety three.
It was ninety five... I remember.
I wanna feed him!
No! I get to!
- Mom! - Kids!
I am a grown man.
I refuse to be fed by a child!
I remember!
It was Billy's Broiled, Shake and Baked Chicken!
That was it!
I remember that.
[ASTHMATIC BREATHING]
Dolly's having an attack! Dolly's having an attack!
Grab her inhaler in the drawer. Hurry!
Hurry Grandpa! Quickly!
It's gonna be okay.
It's okay.
Here, dear.
It's okay. It's okay.
Would you help me get her ready for bed?
I'll draw her a bath.
It's okay.
Here comes the plane.
Open up!
- Oh come on... - It's so good.
Come on! Come on!
[PHONE RINGING]
Come on!
Who are you people?!
You're all crazy!
You're... psychos!
Maniacs! All of you!
I'm going to have all of you arrested!
Please? For god sakes, somebody help me.
I gotta go - I gotta pee?
Thank god... I gotta take a piss.
Who is it? Who's there? Albert, is that you?
Help me up.
What is wrong with you?
The children need their sleep.
Now you show some consideration.
Now go back to sleep.
Morning. Hey hon. Is he up?
Not yet.
I cut the chain to forty feet.
Yeah. That feels about right.
Eww. Yuck!
Watch it kids. Norman had an accident.
Ha ha! He wet his pants!
Oh good. You're awake.
I made breakfast.
I can heat some leftovers up for you if you want.
I'm only going to ask you once.
Do you want breakfast or not?
Yes.
Yes, what?
Yes, please.
Remember kids. Always say 'please'
Okay!
I think it's Daddy time.
Let's all wish Norman a happy Father's Day!
Happy Father's Day!
I wanna play baseball.
I wanna play beauty salon.
Remember kids, this is Daddy's day.
So he gets to do whatever he wants.
Good. Because I wanna kill each and every one of you.
How about a special Thanksgiving dinner
to celebrate the occasion?
That's a fucking great idea.
Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Father's Day!
♪ 'YOU'RE MY LOVE, YOU'RE MY ANGEL, ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS, ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR WAITING PATIENTLY ♪
♪ DADDY'S HOME DADDY'S HOME TO STAY'♪
[SINGING]
Time for daddy to go bye-bye.
[WHIRRING DRILL]
[DOOR OPENS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
I'm scared.
Jesus! You scared the shi-
You scared me.
You're scared too? Good.
Help me find Nibbles and we won't be scared.
Nibbles?
Who's Nibbles?
One of mommy's old boyfriend's gave him to me.
He makes me not so scared.
Your mom's boyfriend?
I think his name was Eric or something.
Who's Eric? What happened to him?
Mom keeps all that stuff in the closet.
Who does all this stuff belong to?
Other men that Mom has brought home.
She keeps on to find daddies but they always keep on leaving.
One time, told me that he saw mommy
and this man napping naked together.
And Mommy told me that when grown-ups nap naked together
that means they love each other.
Have you napped naked with girls?
Yeah. I have.
How many times?
Let's just say I like to take a lot of naps.
Look there's Mommy with white hair.
Doesn't she look pretty.
How long ago were these pictures taken?
I don't know. I wasn't born yet.
She gave all of these men
little sparkly bears like yours.
All of them?
Yes. She says it's like giving them her heart.
What happened to them?
I don't know. We always play the 'voting game'
on News Year's Eve.
Voting game?
Like Survivor.
Have you seen 'The Biggest Loser?'
Those people are so fat!
They are?
I like fat people. They're funny.
After the voting game, I think they just go home!
Norman? Where are you going?
Where are you going, Norman?
Norman, don't leave.
I'm going over here, Dolly.
I'm going right over here, Dolly.
Mommy gets really sad when the men leave.
She sometimes even cries.
Why would someone keep Mommy's heart
if they don't love her anymore.
It's complicated, Dolly.
Sometimes grown ups do silly things
that don't make any sense.
You'd give back the bear, wouldn't you?
I would.
I only want mommy to have a husband
so I can just have a daddy.
That's all.
Don't worry, Dolly.
It'll happen someday.
Really?
Yeah.
Yes. You deserve a good daddy.
Thank you Norman, I love you.
[HEAVY CHAINS DRAGGING ON GROUND]
[RATTLING CHAINS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[RATTLING CHAINS]
Hey! Wait! No! Stop!
Grandpa stop!
He was running!
Dori, listen to me.
I get this.
I get where this is going.
Stop! Stop!
It's all beginning to make sense, okay.
You've had a rough go of it with men.
What did Dolly tell you?
Nothing, really.
I mean nothing I didn't already know.
I saw the boxes, Dori.
You're just thinking about Albert and Dolly.
I get that.
You're just trying to do what's right for them.
And guys like me? Guys like us?
You know, we...
We've never made it easy for you.
We're never thinking with our right heads.
We're selfish, and we forget there's emotions
wrapped up in this stuff.
And we don't realize that we can hurt people's feelings,
and believe me... If I've hurt you,
I'm really sorry.
Really?
Yes.
I'm really, really sorry.
He's full of it.
No, I'm not.
I'm giving it back, Dori.
I'm not like those other guys.
I'm giving it back.
I'm giving back your heart, Dori.
So let's end this thing right now.
Let's put it behind us and move on.
What do you think?
Enough is enough.
Don't! It's not what you think, Dori.
Who the hell is Cara?
You son-of-a-bitch!
After all I've done for you! How!
How dare you do this to my and my family!
You son-of-a-bitch!
You asshole!
So?
Who would like to begin?
I'll go.
Do you love her?
Who?
Cara? Do you love her?
No.
Oh, so you're just screwing her, is that it?
Maybe I'll just call Scotty Griffin from the General Store
and start screwing him.
How would that make you feel?
Oh, I like Scotty Griffin.
He always has a warm smile on his face.
We're not even together.
Yeah, you made that very clear.
You're just screwing her.
I mean you and me, Dori.
I'm not with you! I'm not with Cara!
I'm not with anyone!
How can you say that we're not together?
We. Are. Not. To-gether.
After everything that I've done for you.
You're such an asshole.
That's not getting us anywhere -
Fuck you too, Grandma.
I've done everything you've asked me to.
I've put up with all of your crazy shit.
Norman, is this because you're afraid of commitment?
It's because she's fucking kidnapped me.
It's because she's beaten the shit out of me
and shackled me to the floor.
It's because she's ripped the steering wheel
out of my fucking car!
Does Dr. Fisher have a chapter on that one?
You do nothing but finger point.
When are you going to start owning up to your mistakes?
- You cheated on me, Goddamn you! - For the love of God, woman!
You're putting up walls and retreating into yourself.
I'm retreating because you scare the shit out of me!
Do you remember when I took you to see Taming of the Shrew?
It was our third date?
Oh! was that you?
You were walking back
from getting us drinks our eyes locked
and you had a look on your face.
What was it? What was that look?
I don't know, Dori.
I love you?
You love me?
Your tits looked good in your dress?
Any of those right?
Was there ever a chance for you to love me?
I don't even know what that word means.
That is such a shame,
because you have no idea what you're missing.
Can I just say something?
Of course, Norman.
You know... What you said, that last thing.
What?
Uh, I mean...
Maybe I am missing something.
I mean it's not like I have everything figured out.
Take these holidays.
I haven't really been embracing them to be perfectly honest.
What are you getting at?
I don't know! hey!
Why don't I take charge of one of the holidays?
So now you want to do a holiday?
Yeah! Hey, why don't we celebrate Mother's Day?
Yeah, right. It's a little too late to be sucking up.
I'm not sucking up.
What would Dr. Fisher say?
Well, that's a good question.
Dr. Fisher always says you need to forgive your partner.
Forgive Dori,
this relationship has no hope
unless you forgive Norman
and give him another chance.
Yeah. Come on, Dori.
Let me rally the troops.
Make you breakfast, bring it to you in bed.
I'm not saying I have everything figured it out,
but I'm saying I'm willing to try.
These holidays mean nothing to you, Norman.
I know. But they mean something to you.
And that means something to me.
Please, Dori. Let me show you what I'm capable of.
It'll be nice.
Come on, let's pick up the pace. Your mother's going to love it.
Aren't these flowers beautiful.
This isn't really a Denver omelet
because the ham isn't from Denver.
Yeah, we covered that already.
All right.
Let's go. Get in.
Ready Mommy?
Happy Mother's Day.
I picked the flowers.
I stirred the eggs.
Beautiful!
Happy Mother's Day!
Well?
Well I'm not going to lie.
It's pretty spectacular.
And to think you doubted me.
I don't know what to say.
Dori - you don't have to say anything!
[LOUD CRASH]
Oh you son-of-a-bitch!
You bastard!
Norman! Norman! Fuck!
Norman! Come back here!
Norman! Norman!
You come back here right now!
Norman! Norman! Come back here!
Norman! Norman! God damn you!
Get back here! Norman!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck you, Norman !
[SHACKLE STIKES FLOOR]
Norman! Norman, please!
Dolly's having an attack!
She can't breathe!
She needs her inhaler!
Please Norman!
Fuck you, Dori.
Please. I'm begging you!
Norman, she's gonna die if she doesn't get her inhaler.
Please! Please! Please!
I'm begging you! Please!
She's gonna die!
I'm begging you!
Dolly's going to die?
[ASTHMATIC BREATHING]
Norman please hurry!
I am! I am!
Where is it?
It's in the drawer below the breadbox.
Okay, I got it!
Hurry up, Norman!
What are you doing? Dolly needs you!
Don't fuck with me!
She needs you! just hurry up!
I promise I won't do anything.
Okay. I'm just doing this for Dolly.
Hurry up!
Don't you fuck with me!
I got the inhaler!
Unlock the door, please! Just unlock the door!
Please, just open the door, toss the inhaler in
I do that then you'll hit me in the head
with a microwave or something. No way!
Just open the door!
Get in the closet!
Norman!
I'm not coming in until everyone gets in the closet!
Trick or treat.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly, ♪
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la. ♪
♪ Tis the season to be jolly, ♪
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la. ♪
Can we open up one present? Please?
Not now. Maybe later.
This is important.
As you may have noticed,
Daddy and I have been having some
relationship hiccups.
And I'm certainly not here to place blame, okay?
Although I'm not the one who cheated.
But as always, I'm going to put our relationship
in the hands of my beloved family.
so I want you all to give this very careful?
Stop touching me!
I'm gonna have to put you to bed right now, am I?
No?
We'll do our usual scoring.
One out of ten, ten being best.
Since there's five of us, it'll be?
What about me? Don't I get a vote?
Let's say if he gets a total of forty points, he'll stay.
Anything less and, well...
Be sure to cover the Nativity scene.
It has sentimental value.
I remember. I remember.
Hold on a second?
What's that for?
Don't you think forty is uh-
Forty out of fifty is a tad high?
She deserves a fifty out of fifty.
And it upsets me that you think I should have to settle.
Come on, Dori. It's not settling that much - thirty-five?
It's still above average.
So you're okay with being just average?
Above average.
Wow. Okay then.
Let's all vote on this slightly above average relationship.
All we need is seven points per person
and we can keep this slightly above average family together.
[VOICE ON TELEVISION] It's 10pm.
Do you know where your children are?
Ooo, we gotta get the kids to bed.
It's getting late.
Okay. We need to get started.
Thirty-five points it is.
Who's first?
Four!
Grandpa starts things off with a four.
Who's next?
A four?
Only reason why you're even getting that many is
because I've seen Dori smilin' around you a couple of times.
Ed's never even taken the time to get to know me.
What I know, I don't like.
A four.
Moving on.
Okay. My turn. My turn.
Albert, buddy. Whazzup?
You know, when you first got here, I was like,
"Wow! Finally mom brought home a ten."
A ten! Yes! Hi five, little buddy!
But...
then you opened your potty mouth.
Potty mouth?
Mom?
Just this once.
'Fuck' six times,
'Mother fucker' four times.
'Cocksucker' five times,
'Cocksucker mother fucker' eight times.
'Son of a bitch' three times,
'Shit'...
Eleven times...
And you told mom to 'blow me' once.
I'm not sure what that means but I can tell it's bad.
Oh, and I'm not including the word "poo"
because Dolly and I are allowed to say it.
Ha-ha! He said poo!
Alright fine, minus one point for having a potty mouth.
That's a nine.
And speaking of potty, I don't want a dad
who still wets the bed.
Okay, now... That's not fair!
So that's minus another point.
That's a total of twelve points. Who's next?
And twelve of thirty-five is what percent?
What?
You said you were good at percentages.
Twelve of thirty-five is what percent?
Do you or don't you know the answer?
Give me a quick second. I have to...
I'll take that as a no.
I give him a seven out of ten.
That's seventy percent! Ha!
And like Dolly couldn't have gotten that one right.
Nice try.
Oh lookie here.
A rifle.
What I've always wanted.
Wait- wait- wait!
Don't I get a chance for rebuttal or something?
Grandma, you're next.
On a commercial break.
Come on! We gotta get this going.
Commercial break.
Hit the Pause!
I'll give him a ten.
Yes! A ten! Loving you, Edna.
Great, Grandma gives him a ten.
You've got twenty one points.
Dolly you're up.
Out of ten points, how much do you like Norman?
Of all the daddy's that mommy has brought home
I like Norman the best.
Wow? Even better than Hans?
Excuse me. The child was talking.
I'm going to give him the best number ever.
And I thank you, Dolly.
I always knew you ?
And the best number is five and a half.
What?
Five and a half because that's how old I am.
Five and a half.
Aww lookie here!
I guess I was good this year.
Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!
Dori still gets a vote?
Fat chance!
You only got twenty six points.
Twenty six and a half.
There's no way Dori's gonna give you a nine.
Right?
Norman. Believe me when I say this
that no one wanted this relationship more than me.
God, you made me so happy.
Grandma?
Kids. Gotta go to bed.
- But I wanna watch. - No.
- That's not fair. - No.
It's past bedtime.
Albert! Come on.
I never get to watch.
Norman...
I have tried and tried and tried with you.
But if I pull away from the fairy tale
I have to be honest with myself.
Dori, please don't do this.
For the first time in my life I'm wondering
if true love is even possible.
Dori, please listen to me.
There was something there.
We had something, it was there.
No there wasn't.
I was foolish to think otherwise.
You're out for one thing and one thing only.
Just like those other men.
I'm not like those other men.
You're just like those other men.
No. I'm not.
See... look. I'm not.
I'm not like those other men.
I'm giving it back, Dori.
I'm giving back your heart.
See?
Take it. Take the bear, Dori.
Please, take the bear Dori.
Please Dori. Take the bear.
Please! God!
Dori, take the bear?
[GUN SHOT, YELLING]
Stop it! Alright! It's fucking over!
I'm telling you right now man...
back the fuck up!
You won't do anything!
I'm not fucking around. I will blow her head off!
Give me the keys to the collar.
Give me the fucking keys!!!
You can dangle there and rot in hell for all I care.
Fuck! Fuck!
God damn it, you fucking people!
You lied to me, Norman.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You've been nothing but a lie.
I never lied about the way I felt.
Happy fucking New Year, Dori.
[FIREWORKS EXPLODE]
[AULD LANG SYNE plays]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
How does love happen?
With all the random people in the world,
how do two of them meet, connect,
and then fall in love?
[AULD LANG SYNE plays]
A couple might feel passion, or lust,
but it's not the same.
True love is strength and security and it's forever.
[MUSIC]
[♪]
I loved you, Norman.
I truly loved you.
As we go about the chaos of our daily lives,
we're left wondering how, when,
or even if it will ever happen to us.
But it happens.
At a completely random, but perfectly precise moment,
two people connect and fall in love.
It doesn't happen very often.
That's why you have to keep looking.
[MUSIC]
And the search for love can be a very scary and lonely journey.
Sad to say - some hearts get broken along the way.
But I still believe in love.
I still believe there's someone out there
who will sweep me off my feet.
I know there is.
There's got to be.
I just have to keep looking.
Maybe I will call Scotty Griffin.
[MUSIC]